Happy Sexy You

Attraction versus Affection

2007-04-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

Okay...before I start, I want to make it absolutely clear...this is DATING advice, not relationship advice. PLEASE don't mistaken the two for the same....I get people mixing up their rituals all the time. It's like saying the interview is the job....nu uh.

To all my Asian brothers out there that are trying to go out with a sexy Asian women, or a women of another ethnicity (I recently went on a date with a white woman who had yellow fever, and there was one on Plenty of Fish as well, so please realize they do exist, so stop slamming the white guys that take up "our" women. Honestly, that's such wussy behaviour.)

I have one single great piece of advice for you for the love of god, stop being affectionate to women. What do I mean by being affectionate. It means trying to win a girl's heart over by buying her gifts, and being extra nice, and letting her choose a place, and asking if it's okay if you guys go to this restaurant. You know you use affection as your main tool when you decide that external gifts such as compliments and nice gifts are the way you believe is to a women's heart. WRONG....WRONG...WRONG. You can not attract a women based on these things...noticed i said attract....yes she'll think these things are nice. And she'll think you're very sweet to offer, but what did you do to make her want you? Do you think women are sexually attracted to you buying gifts...I never EVER have heard a women tell me she gets turned on by a man buying gifts, she'll get excited...and maybe happy...but I've never heard that roses are a turn on. I've never heard that a nice restaurant was a turn on? Do you understand what I'm saying now?

So if you want to date a girl, and get her to be attracted to you, you need to stop being so damn nice and you need to work on the attraction game. What's the attraction game?

Number 1) You better learn to a man and lead a woman. No Alpha women, wants to date a beta man. Alpha women only date alpha men. Think about this. Beautiful Asian women at clubs get approached all the time, they get constantly praised, and they get drinks bought all the time. Buying drinks for a woman is the worse thing you can do...you aren't charming and interesting enough...so let me use my cash to impress you. Don't waste your money, save it for that special someone. What does it mean to lead, it means that you recommend a place, and don't ask if it's okay, if she can't go there, she'll tell you. It means making quick decisions, in a firm and friendly tone about what time you are going to pick her up, where you are going. It means that if you want to kiss her, you had better be the one to initiate the whole thing. It means grabbing her gently and putting her on your lap to see photos on the computer. It means you taking her hand to walk with down the street if you are interested. Women still like to know a man can LEAD THEM, they want to feel secure ...if the girl you are dating is making the decisions, you are in serious trouble.

Story: I recently was at a restaurant, and there was a cute girl behind me with her friend. I gave her my business card. Within five minutes I asked for her number, I could sense that she was hesitant so I told her "I can sense that your hesitating" in a serious tone. She gives me something that I've heard so many times before, well I have your number I can call you. See an affectionate man would be considerate and respect her wishes, A REAL MAN would do what I did. I said "Bullshit. You're not going to call me. BUULLLL SHITTT. Write your number down" She laughed, and wrote her number down. I was the leader in that case, I came out as the alpha male, and therefore I just turned up the attraction.

Number 2) You had better learn how to be funny. There are ways to be funny to people. One of them that is really common is to say something really stupid outrageous and keep a straight face. Look at some of the bloopers that they use in movies. A lot of these guys will say something really funny but with a serious face. For example humour doesn't always have to make people laugh it's sometimes shocking. I recently went to a business networking event and there was a nice young woman who worked at a bank. I then said to her so you go "blah blah blah blah, and then turn the monitor for them to see...and go back to blah blah, here's your profile." In a very serious tone. She gasped, in a humourous, "I couldn't believe you just said that" but she didn't think it was rude. I got the impression she thought it was rather funny.

There's also the cocky funny technique that David D. popularized as well. That same girl, when two guys decided to come in to join the conversation, the two girls turned their backs on them. I then introduced the guys to the girls, but I was still giving the bank woman a hard time. I looked at her, and told her "You are so RUDE, ignoring these guys." This time with large eyes, and a bit of an exaggeration. And then she goes "I'm not being rude!" with a smile, if she has a light humourous tone then you're doing a good job of keeping her attracted.

You can't be afraid to make fun of women once in a while when you know it's something true. She worked at a bank, and I know how the people at the bank are trained. And she knows that they have to turn their monitors to show people...so she couldn't defend herself. Same with her back turned towards another guy, and guess what...there's some truth to being rude about having your back turned towards a conversation.

Those at the moment, are the two biggest things as an Asian man you need to learn. First off, start picking up girls without using money, or gifts or going to a nice restaurant. Seriously practice on your game of just using yourself and the inner gifts that you possess. BE A MAN....women want a MAN, not some silly boy. Find out what most girls find interesting (I can tell you right now, it's easier if you tell them you're a dating coach). Usually find something dramatic to talk about, like "Can you believe they treat men so badly on the Bachelor? Letting him be fought over by dozen or so women? Personally I think it should be 30 women fighting over this new guy."

And study humour....for your own life...HUMOUR can be learned. It takes time, but funny guys can be learned. Just like any other skill there are basic systems to being funny..contrary to what you think. So study them.

Look for my upcoming workshop on how to attract women, this should be a good one. So tell all your Asian friends about it, they may not think it's worth the money, but I guarantee you those chumps have spent more money on buying drinks for girls. So they can keep buying their damn drinks or they can be like me and try to close a girl's number in five minutes without buying a single drink.

Warmest Regards,
Vincent K.C. Ng
EmergAsian Perspectives Coaching
"Developing the RelAsianships you Crave."
Ph:604-662-8177
E-mail: vincentkcng@shaw.ca
www.luvhat.ca

Glass Ceiling

2007-03-30T00:52:00.000-07:00

I went to go check out one of ACCP (Association of Chinese Canadian Professionals) events at SUCCESS in Vancouver. It was talking about the Glass Ceiling, and how people of Chinese descent have experienced it.
Here is my personal take, I find that the glass ceiling is a reality, and yes Asian minorities, and other minorities as a whole have experienced prejudice in the corporate world.

But if you feel that you are hitting the glass ceiling (or as a female Asian author put it, the bamboo ceiling) then there are few things that you can do to break these barriers. Especially if you live in Vancouver, the next generation of Asians will be occupying many positions that were once filled with white males.

Number 1) Help each other out. In a market that can be very competitive, and especially in Chinese culture where we may be brought up in a culture of educational and career competition (my son is a lawyer, what does your son do? My daughter is a CGA, and your daughter?) we need to help each other out. The more that we can come together to help each other out, to realize that we are a community then we can move on up as a community as a whole. This is why Jewish communities have been very successful over the centuries, the sense of helping each other and others as well. But realize that we all need help, women, East Indians, disabled...we need to help each other out. We move faster with support than on our own.

What I find particularly disturbing is that many Asian elders don't believe that their younger counterparts know much. But the reality is that many young Asians should not be discriminated, we are extremely talented, and I have a knowledge base that is probably 3 times larger than both my parents combined, and a social network that is ten times larger and more effective. Don't put down Asian people because of their age.

Number 2) Voice your opinion when you feel it's important. Notice I said FEEL, this means that any time you want to express yourself, you need to do it. No one moves on up by being quiet. I'm sorry to tell you this, but having social skills as an Asian is very important. I hear too often from sociologists, and other Asian community leaders is that we tend be passive as a culture, and this includes the Asian lawyers who get hired. Now for the Asians that want to be lawyers, guess what, your grades may matter, but in the end it's whether you know how to work with a client that is just as important as a law degree. If you can't find ways to speak to your client and express your opinion, then you law degree won't get you to that partnership you may seek in the future.

Be assertive, speak up, and yes this will mean that you won't be able to get along with everyone, but it also means that the more your able to speak up, the more noticeable you will become and hence visible for promotions.

Number 3) Is your English poorly spoken or do you make a lot of grammatical errors in the way you write. I hate to say it, when you work in Corporate, those matter. It's not a choice, people will judge you, I will judge you. How can any university grad come out and not have well written and spoken communication skills, I wouldn't hire you, and that's not because of your race or ethnic group, it's because your communication skills suck. So if you can't move on up, ask yourself if your English is at an excellent standard, if not, get a voice coach, and English tutor, and join Toast masters. There are many customer service agents in India that have a good command of English, if you can't speak as clearly as them, then you HAVE to go for some further training in the language.

Number 4) Find a mentor. I can't say this enough. FIND A MENTOR. Most young Asians leaders I know are starting to find mentors in the community and this is good. People who have led the way before you can tell you the common struggles and the common solutions to life's problems. Don't hesitate to ask someone you admire. He or she may not work out, but don't be discouraged. You'll be surprised the number of doors that a mentor can open for you. One person can introduce you to a whole new world, trust me on this.

Number 5) Join a professional organization and take an executive position on a volunteer board. You may not be able to find a executive level job, but that doesn't mean you can't take some time out of your busy schedule to join a volunteer board and be an executive member. This might be for Volunteer Vancouver, the Vancouver Food Bank, St.Paul's Hospital Foundation, and so on. Even if you have no experience, don't be afraid to learn. This is how you move up quicker, when someone else won't give you the opportunity you have to go and seek it. Personally I am on the UBC Governance Committee for the Alumni Affairs, and also a member at Large for the Young Alumni Association at UBC. First off, when I joined the Governance Committee, I had no idea what Governance even met....and now after a few meetings I understand the process of seeking out nominations for high end positions such as Chancellor of the University, seeking board nominated board members, and appointed board members, and what governance actually is! Just simply taking five hours of my month has allowed me to understand how the university goes about finding it's people and how alumni are recruited. Rather cool....and now I can add it to my resume and I guarantee you it will look good on my resume. But I didn't see it that way at first, I just had a hunger to make change happen.

Number 6) find out what it takes to be promoted into a position. If your company has no clear method of indicating the kind of skills that are needed to be promoted from one position to another, you are in serious trouble. Take the time to ask your HR personnel what it takes to be in a certain position and if they are planning to open up that position in the future (1-3years down the road) then start developing those skills. And check up every year to see if the requirements have changed. Guessing and wandering around don't help.

Number 7) Be willing to compromise when it comes to learning corporate culture. Some days you may not want to do certain things, and you may feel like you are selling out on yourself by playing golf, or watching the hockey game. But if you are Asian, I'm sure you appreciate how much your co-workers learn to use chopsticks, or learn to say certain words in your language. Take the time to make a compromise in the corporate world. It does help, but don't over do it. I have a salesperson who talks about hockey, who I know doesn't really care about it, but I appreciate the effort he makes. People notice you putting in the effort to learn more than anything else (this is about attitude, not about the actual act.) So if you want move on up, and you don't know how to play golf, then learn. But don't be afraid to challenge these people and suggest going to a fashion show, or a wine festival to talk about business.(Remember voice your opinion when you FEEL like it.)

Number 8) Get some professional development and training. I don't know what's with Asian people but considering the number of them that live in Vancouver and the number of them that attend workshops or seminars on professional development, I'm really surprised there are so little that attend. This includes being involved as members of the Vancouver Board of Trade and participating in network events. Going to Tony Robbin seminars and so on. This also includes seeing mental health experts when needed. Why are there so little Asian mental health experts out there? I don't see a lot of Asian therapist, or counselors. I'm one of the very few Asian Life Coaches in North America. So the question remains, if we can't face up to the fact that we do have mental blocks, or that we do need help on personal and or spiritual development, then we (as a culture) are seriously being hindered in the corporate world. The best CEO's are always learning, and are always trying to find out more about themselves.

So if we have mental blocks, where do we go to? Let's face it, you probably want to be a client of a mental health expert who has a better cultural understanding of where your perspective is coming from.

I hope that helps you all out. This advice is for all people who go through the glass ceiling. So speak up, help each other out, and realize that competition and discrimination against each other is our worst enemy.

Vincent Ng
Interpersonal Relations Coach for Asians
Phone: 604-662-8177
E-mail: Vincentkcng@shaw.ca
www.luvhat.ca

My Speed Dating Adventure

2007-03-22T02:26:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone,
Okay I had to participate in what was considered the single largest speed dating event in the world. I'm not going to list the company that held it, and you'll see for yourself why later on. But let's talk about the general experience. Having 100 dates in 100 minutes just does not work. Here's what I felt the event lacked. Within five minutes, people didn't know when to move, and so I ended up missing 5 dates right off because I was pushed out of my position. This didn't just happen one time it happened three times. What made it worse was that because of bad scheduling, and we waited outside for a good 40-50 minutes. Wait time...bad. To top it off, due to time constraints I ended up missing 34 dates at the end of the night. That's right, they encouraged us to mix and mingle and unfortunately I didn't even get a chance to meet all my dates. So the 100 dates in 100 minutes was a bit of an exaggeration. Now this was all a structural problem, something that Luvhat is planning to anticipate. This is why we allow a half an hour registration. I learned a lot on what not to do, and what to prepare for if things don't go my way.

Okay now that i've chewed out the methods they used, and the poor poor planning. The good juicy stuff that happened. I ended up getting three numbers from different women. And this was not knowing if they were interested in meeting me or not. I just asked for their numbers. Now I'm going to clarify what happened, out of all those people only one would I consider being romantically involved in with. One is a a great blonde who I just thought would be a really great friend, the other is a single mom with a thirteen year old child, also good company, and the third is a Korean girl that was attractive.

Now moving on to the good, other than the three numbers, I found that people were really interested in knowing that I was a relationship coach. For some reason people were really fascinated, I imagine telling them that I write for a women's magazine would put it over the edge. This is known as attracting women based on status, not on attracting based on emotional skills. Guys learn how to attract a woman with emotional skills before status.

Second, there was a really attractive woman who was dressed to impressed, was really tired, and decided that trying to be suave just wasn't what she was looking for (this is called following your intuition). So I just decided to talk to her like a friend and tell her about the games that girls play, and then I pointed out and asked her what guys she thought was hot, and she said she couldn't point one out, and turned to me and said that I was pretty hot. At that point I wrapped my hands around her, and she keeps a very good body figure. Now I observed that I wasn't the only one that she was flirtatious too. Men some women are naturally flirtatious, so even though I felt good, and I take it as a small victory, it's important to realize that some woman just like to flirt. Make sure you're a man and flirt back.

Third, I decided to do a cat walk instead of just talking. So I strutted my moves and she wanted to see something a little bit more, and so I did. That was fun, she critiqued me, and she mentioned that the only thing I didn't do was that I didn't make eye contact. She made a good point, eye contact is always important if you're going to make an impression on a woman. I thought it was good that I learned something.

Fourth, It's important to ask questions that no one hasn't thought of. Honestly girls get asked the same questions over and over again. When I go speed dating I ask people questions like, on a scale from 1-10 where are you right now? (it's a different version of how are you doing.) Or a similar question like "What would make make this night even better?" "What would your dream vacation be like?" "What's your favourite colour?" "What would a red day be like for you?" "I was wondering if you could teach me something..." This was really cool, I actually learned from someone who does research on bacteria to tell me to stop using anti bacterial soap on my body because it kills the good bacteria that's on my skin. I didn't know that, but now i'm going to look into that and try an non anti bacterial soap and see what happens.

Fifth, celebrate every victory that comes. Every smile that I got, every time a girl leaned in, and every time she laughed, was a victory to me. These are things that make life really great. So even if I didn't get a date with a girl, if I felt that we had good conversation, or I made her laugh somehow, then I did something right. And this is how you build confidence and how you get numbers. Celebrate all victories.

Sixth, I was being a cock block to this hot blonde who's attention I got for about a 3 or 4 minutes, and that was really cool. Never been one before, but I have to admit it's kind of fun. Eventually she turned to who she called her "friend" to talk to him. I should have asked for her number earlier, but I didn't know if the time was appropriate, and partially because I was scared. I've never picked up a blond before...that's one of my challenges to face.

Seventh, when you are at a speed dating event don't be afraid to get out of your seat and kneel and talk to the girl. Stand out, and say that, i'm going to give you your space, and still create that sense of intimacy.

What to do when you approach a group: Guys when you go to large events that involve singles, follow the three second rule, don't hesitate approach a girl or two girls or three girls within three seconds. Apologize for interrupting the conversation and begin the conversation. Gracefully leave by saying that you don't want to monopolize their time. If you want to get their number that's the best time to ask, and then go. Keep it light and fun, after all this is not a life time commitment. Be a little mysterious.

The bad:
Tired girls. I met one, and boy was it hard to talk to her. On a scale from 1-10 she was a five. Honestly just not worth my effort, and even afterwards she was one of the girls that didn't get talked to much.

Eventually people got so tired that they just didn't have the effort any more. They got so tired of talking to people trying to impress that eventually people became less and less interesting. Mind you we all shared the same sentiment, and it gave us a common bonding.

That's it, i've taught what I can, and gave you a taste of what I had. I hope you enjoyed this.

Vincent K.C. Ng
Interpersonal Relations Coach for Asians
EmerAsians Perpsectives Coaching
604-662-8177
Vincentkcng@shaw.ca

GIRLS...here's what you can do.

2007-03-15T12:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, so out of a request from a beautiful young blond, I'm going to write an article on how women can attract a guy. So guys this will help you too.

Let's start off with the pick up...
Rule number one: Girls, attraction is not a choice. This is said from one of my favourite pick up artists, David Deangelo. But he's right, attraction is not a choice, you are either attracted to a guy or not, but for most women, it's not so much the physical attraction that takes place, it's more of the emotional bonding experience that takes place between you and a guy that will determine a lot of it. For example while guys will boink a ditzy girl who's a ten, who can't hold a conversation, men generally have to prove to you women that they can make an emotional connection and make you feel safe, secure, and a sense of trust. Let's face it, you can't be with someone you feel scared or don't feel secure with. WOMEN DO THE CHOOSING...this is your POWER!

Here's a good way of putting it....a guy will do a girl who can't talk but is just hot. If she can moan...that's good enough for the guy to be attracted to her (we aren't talking about relationships.) But a guy could be really good looking but if he can't talk, she'll most likely find it hard to be attracted beyond the looks. If he can do magic tricks and he's a good dancer, then we have something to talk about, but even then he had to show he has value.

Okay so here's some of the good stuff:
Girls, if you want to attract a guy, don't be afraid to look at the guy and make eye contact with him. There are two ways to approach this. You can do the whole coy shy look with a smile which is, look at him and then when he looks at you, then look away. You might do this twice if he doesn't get the hint, he's just not that into you. The other which isn't practiced a lot but will tell you how confident you are, which is to give someone a look and just stare. Stare but don't smile, be emotionless, and lock eyes. Now the later is interesting because it's a clear sign that you are interested and that you, unlike other girls aren't here to play shy. If he locks eyes with you, you've come across an extremely confident man, and potentially someone who's a player, so do watch out. When girls lock eyes with me, it's extremely powerful way of drawing me in without even talking to her. If you lock eyes, DON'T SMILE! Be emotionless...you want to make it some sort of challenge for the guy. At this point that's all you should have to do, you shouldn't have to do anything else or else your making yourself too easy. Men love a challenge, you must make yourself a challenge, if he doesn't talk to you....go NEXT!

If he actually he has the courage to come to you, that's good. He's passed the first test, the next thing you need to realize is that men are hunters and the easier you give things to them the less attracted they are to you. Pick up Artist love a challenge, they love meeting women that are hard to seduce and don't fall into the regular patterns. So if he comes and starts talking to you, be genuine and talk to him, but don't give away too many personal details. For example if he asks you what you do, don't give him a job title. Tell him what you do, for example it might be, I'm helping the world save millions of dollars and still making sure 10,000 kids are fed a day. Doesn't that sound really intriguing? The goal is not to put up a shield, but to convey the message that "I'm different from other girls."

If you really want to lure this guy in, you need to do something different that makes you stand out in his mind. If you ask him what he does, and what kind of job he has...it's a big snooze unless he really enjoys his job in which he might. But if you start asking him questions like "On a scale of 1-10 what's your energy level right now?" This is a different version on "how are you doing?" Which is sooo F****** boring, use your creative skills to reword things! If you really like this guy, and he says that his energy is at an 8 "Ask him what it would take to make this a 9 or 10?" If he says something daring like a kiss from you, then you want to do what's a neg (negative remark) to bring him down like "Well if I kiss you that would bring me down from a 9 to a 7, do you really want that?" Some guys will try to be cocky funny and say things like "Those are nice shoes, my sister has the exact same pair." or "I'm half Italian, and half Sexy." You need to play back and deflate his ego. If he's really confident he won't be phased by that, as a matter of fact you've heightened his sense to try to attract you more, because you're not like other girls.

I've always found girls that could be as cocky as me extremely attractive, the looks have to back it up though. Something about their raw edge that makes me want them more, but this is important during the early dating rituals. I've always found good looking tomboys the most attractive....from a raw emotional level...something about them that I can't resist.

Now if he attracts you, feel free to touch him gently on the shoulder. But touch him once, and no more. I can't stress this enough, be a challenge. If he tries to touch you to trigger a heightened sense of emotion, kindly let him know that the "merchandise is for looking, not for touching" in a playful manner.

If you really want to lure him and drive him crazy, use the camera technique. This is where you have a camera and you guys pose for different pics such as the silly pose, the confused pose, the i'm really cocky pose, and then as your last picture do a "him kissing you on the cheek pose, but you turning away in an ignoring way." Just point your finger on your cheek to indicate that you would like a kiss on the cheek. He might ask you for kiss on the lips...but be cocky, and say something like "these lips are reserved for men that actually listen" and then point back to your cheek. If he does kiss you on the cheek...then you've got him in the palm of your hand, how do I know. You just commanded him to do something and he actually did it. That's power!

Here's the thing to remember, it's important to be genuine when attracting a guy, but don't make it easy for him to get your number. Throw in two or three remarks that could dampen his ego. Nice soft guys, will run off and feel hurt. The really confident guys will come to battle you and show you who's the man. i.e. it screens out the men that are wussy!

Here are some advanced techniques as well...
If you give him your number, and he calls you, don't call the same day. Don't come off that he can win you so easily. Call him the day after, because you too have a schedule, and you too have things that need to be done. And you aren't about to drop those things just to call him are you?

Also keep the conversations short, 15-20 minutes at most! And then be the first to hang up, and when you do, make it sound that you have to go all of a sudden, and end it quickly like, don't muster in a long good bye. This will leave him hanging to want more. Do this the first two times, but keep him guessing. The more you keep him guessing what you're going to do next, the more you put him into hunter mode. And men love to hunt.

By the way...it's the same for guys....a lot of the advice books for women on dating, is the same advice on men. Honest to god, I've read a lot of books on dating...and it's amazing how similar they are. The only difference is that the word men is switched with women, and vice versa.

I want people to remember this....playing the dating game, is not the same as playing the relationship game. Totally totally different, so make sure you know which game you are playing...there's a time and place for each and every ritual.

Warmest Regards,
Vincent K.C. Ng
Ph:604-662-8177
E-mail: vincentkcng@shaw.ca
"Developing the relationships you crave."

ASIAN CHUMP or ASIAN NICE GUY..same thing!

2007-03-15T01:28:00.000-07:00

Guys, how can you tell if you suffer from TNS or Too Nice Syndrome? Or as the Pick Up community sometimes calls it, the Average Frustrated Chump (AFC). Here are some things you should watch for and ask if these are true for you. This is especially for the Asian guys, because seriously some of you guys need more balls. I for one have a long way to go, but at least I know it, and I'm doing a lot to move forward with it.

1) You think when girls say “be yourself,” you actually believe that means “be yourself.” Haven’t you noticed only your female friends say that? You should be "being yourself" through self improvement and doing the best to groom yourself.

2) You think chasing girls should be done the way that movies have shown you and the way songs describe love and relationships. This is real life, it's not a script!

3) By being more sensitive and feminine, you think that will attract more chicks. This will just make you another girlfriend, trust me, I've heard this one a lot of times.

4) You constantly agree with what a girl says, even though down deep inside your too scared to disagree with her. This is called a lack of backbone, could you imagine if a girl agreed with you on everything, how much would you really want her. Oh SHE's SO AGREEABLE

5) Constantly obsessing about how to get that one girl, instead of thinking on how to date several at once. In the pick up community we call this One-itis. Best way to get over it is to see what the world has to offer and date several girls that you are attracted to.

6) Heard the phrase “Let’s just be friends” from chicks you like too many times and then you fall into an immediate depression, instead of thinking oh kay...NEXT GIRL!

7) Has no idea how to flirt with girls, and are too scared to make sexual innuendo's or touch her, because you respect her as a woman.

8) Thinks that every first date with any girl he takes has to be special because she might be “the one.” You take her out to a nice dinner, give her roses, and drive her home, but you forget the most important part...STIMULATING HER EMOTIONALLY through seduction and intimacy.

9) Thinks of sex as “getting lucky” as opposed to actual skill.

10) You constantly hear the “You’ll find someone special some day.” And you know you will, but your too damn sad to go out and say you'll find that special person today.

11) You think when a guy talks to a hot girl at a club, bar, or restaurant but doesn’t get her number is a big deal.

12) You constantly think about why girls don’t go out with you since they keep telling me they want nice guys. And all you do is wonder, but don't change anything.

13) You keep fantasizing about how the perfect pick up in your mind is taking place, but would never have the balls to do it. I know guys do this ALL the time. These same guys have very little or no stories on how they made those fantasies real.

14) You go on a date, and she asks you what you want to do, and you respond “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” Expecting her to lead you is the chump's way of doing things. Make a suggestion and take a lead. Stop being soo damn considerate!

15) You are naturally drawn to women who seem to have self esteem problems and issues and you want to rescue them. Women who have way too much emotional baggage are a big no no! Stop dating these girls and go for girls who are confident who don't need rescuing.

16) You know down deep inside, you’re a scared little shit when you want to ask girls out. (There’s a difference between being nervous and being terrified, nice guys get terrified. Just to let you nice guys know, even professional pick up artists get nervous when picking up tens or elevens, being a little nervous is natural.)

17) You talk more about how you could have gotten that girl, or how that girl looked at you and made it the biggest deal in the world as opposed to talking about what actually happened which was NOTHING! Nice guys talk about how she looked at him, confident guys go and talk to her, and brag about how he got her real number. (Guys you do this by asking her for her number, and then claim that it's illegible and then you ask her to repeat it. If she says the number wrong, she's trying to play you. The other test is to ask for her cell number and then get her to bring it out and then call her on the spot, if it rings, she's given you the right number. If not, you've been chumped.)

18) By having a girlfriend, you think that your life will somehow be complete and that everything will change for the better.

19) You constantly rescue your girlfriend from things that you know she’s responsible for such as her homework, doing her domestic duties, and lending her money because she doesn't know how to save.

20) You don't even feel attractive yourself. To be attractive to someone else, you have to be able to look in the mirror and go "I'm DAMN ATTRACTIVE" and mean it.

My Adopted Sister

2007-03-06T16:54:00.000-08:00

Okay, so you're probably wondering what's up with the crazy picture to the right, or to the left if you are the computer. That's suppose to be a representation of my crazy little sister that I adopted recently. I wouldn't expect her to grab a chainsaw and hack me to death with it, but then again there's the strange possibility that it might happen.

Growing up I always wanted to have a younger sister (at the moment I have one older brother) someone that I would be able to help guide through school and career, and scare off guys that like her. Scaring off guys is probably the most fun part, but I wouldn't abuse my power that way.
How did this all start, I was up at UBC and I was offering students some free life coaching at the time. There was a group of three that were the Student Union Building at the University British Columbia, I handed them a flyer and then coincidentally met up with them again outside where I was handing flyers to strangers about "Thursdays with Coach Vince." Something I no longer do at the university.

One of the girls there happened to be really interested in receiving free coaching and so I told her to give me a call whenever she felt a little lost. She did, and she wasn't too sure what she wanted to study and I coached her on that topic. I eventually moved away from coaching and moved her into consulting because she just wasn't too sure what to do. And I figured it was best to help guide her a long instead of questioning her. We soon moved on to being friends, and I invited her out to bartend at my Luvhat Single's Event party which she was able to get $40 dollars of tips with the other bartender. From what I heard she did most of the work, shaking a tip jar before ever serving a drink. Mind you a good friend of mine tipped them 15 dollars, very gracious of her, and thank you on my behalf.
Her adorable face can be very deceiving, she's really not that innocent, she just looks like she is. And she doesn't look 18, that's the part that can deceive you. What's behind that face is what you see in the picture....moving on.

She would call when she felt distressed, or needed someone to talk to or listen which I never minded. I never call her, because I always know that if she needs to feel supported that she will call me, and if I have a problem or want to share good news with her, I'll tell her over the phone.

One of conversations we discusses was about her always wanting to have an older brother. She's the oldest in her family, and so she has to pioneer the way for her siblings and family. (It can be tough being the oldest in an Asian family from what I've heard.) I think having an older bro to give advice and listen probably helps her grow up more easily and I tell her how I think the world works and I don't cushion her from reality. The conversation eventually led to an unofficial adoption in which I now tell people she's my sister and she calls me bro. It's odd to hear it the first time around...but I got use to it.

At this point you're probably wondering who is this sister of mine? Angela is my little sister. That's her name and she's 18 years old in her first year at university. She's incredibly energetic, bright, and very inquisitive. She's a very good listener.....she likes to chat a lot. Which I don't mind, I've been trained to listen and have had conversations where people talk 95 percent of the time and I just sit and attentively listen. I enjoy making fun of her...because I can, and I do it out of fun.

So why in the world would I pick Angela to be my sister? I'm not too sure, sometimes things just happen and I have faith in the universe. If something good happens in my life, i'm really grateful for it.

I have a lot of people I consider my extended family, and it's really important to have these people in my life. I have my friends, and I have my extended family, and then my immediate family. Angela fits into extended family which is really important to me. My best friends are considred extended family. Without my extended family I don't think I would lead a very rich life.

Some people might think it's strange to adopt someone as their sister, or their brother, but in the end if I can help my little sis get a head start in life the way that I always wanted then I've done a good job in changing the world. On top of that I really look forward to interogating the guys she dates.

The funny side of picking up girls!

2007-03-04T01:58:00.000-08:00

Self Confidence is all that's really needed when it comes to picking up girls. This is no secret, it's not about what techniques or what calculated risks that a guy needs to take. It's really about how much he believes in himself.

Tonight (Saturday) I was called out by three high school friends of mine to go to a restaurant on Robson. What ends up happening is that we have the same conversation about work (rarely does anything change), and then we have the same conversation over and over again about the women at different restaurants. "Take a look at her, she's hot." "Oh my gawd, she was checking us out man." So on and so on. Honestly, just a lot of banter. Yet what's really a shame, and what's really regretful is that none of my friends will talk to the waitress. At the end of dinner, we would repeat the cycle and talk about how good looking she was, yet no talk about actually knowing who the girl or young woman was. Just talk about her beauty, no talk about her personality, about her interests, or whether she was gracious. Just looks..how F***** boring.

My specialty is in Interpersonal Relations with Asians, and so my specialty is knowing how to pick up Canadianized Asian girls. I'm not a pickup artist, I can't pick up every girl I see, and nor is that my goal. I do "pick up" girls in front of people who I think could use a live lesson. The reason is because it's easy for me to write columns about talking to women and being confident, it's even better when I can do a live teaching session and show people what is possible. If you can give people hope and possibility, then I've given people and my friends a great gift.

Okay back to the story, we were originally seated in a place where the "view" (i.e we couldn't see the waitresses) was bad, and so I asked our waiter if we could move seats. John, our waiter helped us out. (To me a great sign of a pick up specialist is one that respects everyone, even when our server was not a woman, I took the liberty of knowing his name and thanking him. A good rule of thumb, treat everyone with respect and dignity.) As the night carried on, a nice attractive Asian waitress had caught my eye, and I noticed had caught the eye of my friends as well. I figured that it was a perfect time to do a live session class. So when the young lady was doing table settings at the tables, I gently twisted to my right and asked her the question "Sorry to bother you, do you mind if I talk to you for two minutes?" I do this out of respect, after all, she could be really busy, it's a Saturday night, and being courteous is important to me. After she says she doesn't mind, I tell her that I'm a relationship writer for an Asian Women's Magazine in the States (Audrey Magazine) and that I was interested in hearing more about what turned her off about guys. Her first response was 1) Guys that are creepy. I then asked her what creepy was, but I can't remember what she said. And then I asked her, what's the first thing you notice about a guy, and she told me 1)Their face and 2) their confidence. She said having a shy guy hide in the corner is definitely not impressive. Eventually she told me that if a guy was really confident that it would outweigh the looks, so guys, there's no excuse!!!

And again, most guys would reject themselves before being able to know this girl. And those guys that do, lose out. And it's guys that take the time to talk to these girls that lead a richer life.

Eventually I ask her if she models, (now this is very tricky, because it needs to be asked sincerly, I genuinely wanted to know if she did modelled, I did not ask in a desperate I think your soo gorgeous you have to a be a model tone). She tells me that she has aspirations to be a model, but she says she's too short. I mention to her about Banana Living looking for models and that the model on our cover was 5 feet 3. At first she didn't know what a Banana was, (yellow outside, but culturally white on the inside) and we carry on our conversation for about probably five minutes. I eventually ask for her name, who I'll call Carmen. Now when I tell Carmen that the magazine is aimed at people between 18-25 she mentions that she doesn't qualify. I thought to msyelf, that doesn't make sense, and asked her if she was under 25, I thought she was 20 or 22 the oldest. She says she is, and tells me that she's 16. At that point a little shocked I made the joke "What are you doing working at a restaurant, you should be enjoying your life. You're only 16!"

Here's the thing, it's easy to just go wooo jail bait, Vince you're not a pedophile are you? Of course I'm not, and my friends were taken aback by the whole situation too. After all they all assumed she was at least 20. Assumptions can be bad. I'm going to stress the iron rule, be respectful. Even after I found out she was 16, I encouraged her to contact Mark the editor at Banana Living to see if there was a place for her to model for the magazine. I also left her with my business card if she wanted to contact me directly. Now, I know what most of you are thinking....eww that's so disgusting why would you pursue it any further. It may seem that way, but if you had been there, you probably would have realized how smooth the conversation was going. Very natural and I was being genuinely curious. She sounded enthusiastic about being a potential model, and I wanted to introduce her to a legit way.
She told me what high school she went to, asked us where we went to, and then I asked her which universities she was planning to attend, she asked us when we graduated, and my friend responded by "guess our age" in which she guessed one of my friend two years older than he was. He was upset....first time someone guessed he was older.

Even though myself and none of my friends were interested in pursuing her after finding out she was 16, it was still important that I treated her with the utmost respect and genuiness.
After all I would be disapointed if someone wouldn't talk to me based on age. It's just plain rude. Oh you're 27, you don't know much about the world, I dont' want to talk to you.

So after that interesting incident with Carmen, my friends and I were going back to my appartment. I figured I would do another live lesson, so there were three Asian women walking ahead. Now for some strange reason, the girl that was directly in front of me gave off a familiar vibe but I couldn't put my finger on it. That would explain why I wanted to talk to her. So I go next to her and then ask her "How come your not walking with your friends?" I look at her, and realize why the vibes felt familiar. It was my cousin...I couldn't believe it. It was so funny, she looks at me and then her friends and says "I can't believe it, my cousin is trying to pick me up." I laughed so hard and gave her a hug, and we started talking about how she was doing and her career. But anyway, talking to any girl that your not 100 percent sure of on the street can be scary, and it does take courage. So any guy that can do it, Kudos to you. It takes a shit load of confidence.

Mind you, now one of my friends wants to hook up with my cousin. She's a sweet girl.

Okay so here's the lesson in all this. Sometimes things just don't turn out the way you want them too. Sometimes, they turn out to be really bizarre. I considered this a very fun night. At the same time, I was able to show some my friends that confidence is really all you need. Not looks, but confidence. I admit, hearing no's are pretty bad, but what I went through, was just freaking hilarious. But that's not going to deter me, I'm going to continue to show people of what is possible. So men, if I can go through that kind of embarassment in one night, you can too. Life is short, it's full of rich experiences, and I'm hoping I gave my friends something today....knowing that self confidence is the most important thing when it comes to knowing women and dating women.

Who should pay first on the first date?

2007-02-25T12:41:00.000-08:00

Okay there are several ways to take this, even from an Asian perspective. I'm going to take several stances and that way you, the reader, can decide which one rings true for you. So who should pay on a first date? Should people go dutch (splitting the bill) or should the man pay or even the woman pay?

Suggestion 1: The guy should pay for the date.

First off, it's important to understand whether it is a date or not. I think there's a misconception that some men will ask girls out and the girl can be a little confused about whether it is a date or not. I've always made it a point to clarify with someone if we are going on a date or not, this way they know where my feelings or interests are in the person.

That being said, guys usually do the asking (MEN ASK WOMEN OUT! yes I know it's not easy, I'm a man) and therefore if the man has iniated asking a girl/woman out that he should be a gentleman and offer to pay for dinner at the end of the night. However if you want to make it clear, you can always let your date know that you intend on paying for dinner up front. This will save you the awkwardness of what happens at the end of the night. If you feel it is appropriate, assertively ask if it would be okay to pay for the bill.

If she's not comfortable with you paying for the whole date, please kindly respect her decision. I went out with a girl (she was caucasian, putting it in a cultural perspective) one time who was so determined not to let me pay for the whole bill, that she nearly cried when we decided to talk it through. She couldn't explain why she wouldn't let me pay, she just didn't want me to too. I paid the bill. We still talked afterwards, but it was an interesting dramatic night. Please don't do what I did, be a gentleman and let her pay her share if she wants.

I've talked to Asian women and this is the feel I get. Even though many of them are Westernized, and may say that it is okay for a man not to pay for the whole bill, Asian women really do appreciate when a man picks up the tab. The word is APPRECIATE, they don't always expect it but for them it feels nice to be taken care of. When you pay for the first date, it says you are a gentleman, and you are confident, and that you still believe in treating your date like a princess, even if you never go on another date.

Suggestion 2: Going Dutch (both pay for their share of the bill)

Like I mentioned above, there's nothing wrong with going Dutch, however if you're a guy, you've already been categorized as one of the DUTCH people. Yes girls will do that, whether you know it or not, they will remember many of the details of the date, and that is one of the biggest things that stand out. Why? Simply because media, and relationship advisors such as myself talk about it a lot, and therefore it's one of the things that girls/women will notice during a date.

As a gentleman, you should ask if it is okay to pay for her portion. Some women are very polite and may actually say it's not necessary for you to pay for her portion, but that's really a test. Especially in Chinese culture, we tend to argue who should pay for the bill a lot, and even though we may not secretly want to pay for it, it's a form of etiquette to try to tear the bill from each other's hand and see who's going to pay. (It's funny watching it happen in a Chinese restaurant.) So as a man, feel free to ask a second time, and let her know it's okay for you to pay. If at that point she says ..."no, no it's okay I can pay for my share." At that point you should let her pay her share, because she's probably serious about being equals on the date, and this is a value more than an action.

Suggestion 3: Whomever asked the date first.
This is becoming a more popular rule among westernized people. If the woman asked a man out, and she was insistent on paying. As a guy it is your job to politely debate about paying for the meal, but if she is insistent and has a sincere smile on her face, then let her. She really wants to pay for the date because she really really likes you. And wants to make a good impression on you. Be a gentleman and accept. Don't be an ass about trying to prove that you are a "Man."

Guys, you asked her out you pay! That's a simple rule. Be confident, ask her out, and have a few less beers to take her out to a restaurant.

This rule works extremely well for Asian gay and lesbian couples. Whomever asked who out first should probably pay for the first date.

Suggestin 4: Alternate on the second date.
This suggestion is a good one, because it allows guys to make a good impression but at the same time it makes it fair. So for example, you can let your female date know that you will pay for the first date, and that if she's uncomoftable about that, that you let her know that she can pay for the second date if it makes things easier on her. This is a really great scenario because there are two things that are established her. First off, it assumes there's a second date, though it may not always come through. Second you already know who's paying for the second date, so this puts less pressure on the guy and his wallet. Especially if the guy is a student it can be tough.

Suggestion 5: FOR STUDENTS
If a guy really likes a girl he will pay for their date no matter if they are students, young professionals or Asian Seniors that hang out in Little Tokyo. Here's my professional take, there are students out there that don't have the financial backing of their parents. They take out student loans, and they work their asses off just to pay for tuition and the occaissonal beer. If you both are starving students, it's best to go Dutch, there's NO NEED to be a big spender when both of you haven't even had full time jobs. Yes, there are some Asian students that don't have their parents pay for their tuition. I was one of them, and I'm still in debt from student loans after 4 years after graduation. So be considerate when you both are students. Again a winning situation would be Suggestion 4, alternation on who pays.

My personal suggestion: Don't make your first date an elaborate one, feel free to take your date to a nice place that serves sweets and coffee. Take her out for bubble tea or a place that has green tea. ( I know a foundue place that charges six dollars a person, intimate, fun, and cheap). There are lot of places where you can get to know someone without having it be a heavy burden on your wallet. What's most important is that you impress people with your personality more than wallet. I think there's a misconception among Asians, that all Asian women are looking for the wallet, but it's not the case, many like a man with personality and a new emerging Asian man who knows how to care emotionally for another Asian woman. So make sure when you go on your first date that you bring yourself, and only yourself. No Lies and No Ego.

Vincent K.C. Ng
EmergAsians Perspectives Caoching
Interpersonal Relations Coach for Asians
Ph:604-662-8177
E-mail: Vincentkcng@shaw.ca

TYTE LIDS

2007-02-23T09:04:00.000-08:00

Okay, this is going to be a little misleading, I'm not here to write about Relationships this time. I am here to talk about one of my favourite artist who lives in Vancouver. Yes he's an artist and on top of that he's Asian, but he's an artist first and foremost.
Brian runs a company called TYTE LIDS. Here's the hat that I bought from him during his second anniversary party. So here's the cool thing about Brian's hats, each one is unique, and the reason why is because he paints each hat individually and he's been doing it himself for the last two years. A bright Emily Carr student, he was tired of seeing the hats that were out there, and decided that he wanted to create something original, in this case he's been creating a lot of orginals. A piece of art that you can walk around with you, I guarantee that you'll be stopped by people and asked where you got the hat.

His stuff is currently being sold at El Kartel on Robson, Next to the Tsunami Restaurant. His hats go from 74 bucks a piece, but he does do custom hats for 100 and above. Now I wouldn't be suprised if the prices rise to the hundreds in the future once a celebrity drops by, wears it, and endorses it. (Market value always goes up when a celebrity wears something.) Brian comes out with a new line of hats every few months, I was fortunate to see most of his pieces in person before half of them were snatched up by people who were interested in buying them. So really go out there and get those hats before they sell out. This hat is a fashion statement and can say a lot about your personality...so pick one up, I bought my hat really quick because I knew someone else would take it if I didn't buy it.

What also makes Brian interesting is the fact that he's grounded, passionate aobut what he does, and is always willing to share the story behind each hat. Don't be surprised if you see Brian's stuff all over Vancouver. It's just a matter of time before he hits the other coast as well. Brian defies your typical Asian...he's a rebel with an actual cause, and a good one too. Brian also donates hats for worthy causes, and is now planning to use some of the proceeds to help charities of his choice.

So here's my advice in terms of an Interpersonal Relations Coach to you, be like Brian. Pioneer something that is you, and then live that passion. I know it's just a matter of time before people flock to Brian and he has his own artist groupie, all because he's doing what he loves, and he's doing it for all the right reasons. When you can be unique, original, creative, people will want to come to you. So work on yourself first....and watch what happens. You'll be amazed.

What to do after Valentine's Day for the Girls/Women

2007-02-21T14:51:00.000-08:00

I want to wish you all a Happy Chinese New Year. It is the year of the boar, and one to celebrate. I wish you all great fortune, and I hope that this will enrich your lives even more than last year.

I just finished the article on men, so I believe it's important to talk about the other sex and talk about what to do after Valentine's Day for Women. Some of the issues are the same and some of the issues are not, but I'll address some of the issues?

Pressure 1: Guys don't ever seem to approach me, I want to approach them but I might look desperate.

Solution: Hopefully you don't think that guys NEVER approach you. I'm sure if you looked back in your life you've probably found some good examples where good quality men have approached you and talked to you. Remember those times. It's also important to understand how much more attractive you can make yourself....to yourself. People who have high self esteem and appreciation for themselves naturally attract people in their lives with very little effort.
If you are interested in meeting men as friends, then don't be afraid to approach them and talk to them. Go in, smile and introduce yourself, dive in. I believe most women mix up nervouness with desperation, if you appear nervous, you will appear desperate. If you appear confident and genuine then you should be okay. I have never ever once had a man tell me that they view any girl or women as desperate for talking to a group of men or a man she wants to know. (It has been my experience that girls tend to perpetuate the myth more than a mand does.) And if the man saw you as desperate, he's shallow and you don't want to get to know that type any how. Take the time to approach them and ask for their name, with no expectations attached, if the man is interested in taking you out, he will naturally ask for your number. If not, he's not interested or he's too damn shy. Either way it's probably not the type of guy you want to date.
When confident girls approaches me, she automatically gets points for being courageous, and she stands out in my mind. I have had two girls approach me at a night club and started talking to me, even though I didn't find them to be my type, I admired their courage, and to this day have great respect for what they did.
Build up your own self confidence. This means finding supportive friends to be there when you need them, to do things that you really enjoy and love and sharing that with the world, and being able to hear no without taking it personal. Confidence radiates, and no confident women ever looks desperate because people admire confidence.

Pressure 2: I really like that guy, but I don't know when he's going to ask me out, should I ask him out?

Solution: Any man that is truly interested in a woman, and I don't care how shy the guy is, will find a way to ask you out if he is really interested in you. If he has to send you an e-mail, call you, write letters in the sky, or send you a secret admirer note, he will find a way to tell you if he's into to you. If he doesn't ask you out, no matter how much flirting he does, or signs he gives, if he doesn't ask you out, to quote the book title "He's just not that into you."
It is the first true test to see if a guy likes you, and on top of that, it's a sign of the man's confidence. If he can't even ask you out, what makes him worthy to go out with you? Just because you like him, that makes him worthy to go out with you?
However, I do believe that women should ask a guy out if it is one of their deepest values to be courageous, independent and trying new things, then it might be best to ask the guy out. I never ask people to live against their values, but be prepared to get a yes or a no. And it does sting to get a no once in a while.

Pressue 3: I can't find any good guys in the world!

Solution: That is one of the worst things anybody can say to themselves is that there are no good men in the world. I always challenge people and ask them if they continue to go to the same spots and places to meet guys. If you are, you're probably meeting similar minded people. It's important to go to places that may not intitially interest you at first, but something you're willing to give a shot at. You may find yourself falling back into your comfort zone and going back to these old places but don't. Challenge yourself in going to places where you insitinctively know you are going to meet better quality men. If you go back to your old places, it's like returning to an ex, but not knowing why the relationship ended.
If you are looking for suggestions, I would definitely start off by making a list of what a good quality guy is, and then asking friends that might know some.
Here are some random suggestions that may work for you (again everybody is different).
1) Networking events for your age group or ethnicity
2) Special interest clubs or classes, such as Mandarin class, caligraphy, cooking or photography.
3) Personal Development Workshops and Seminars at Asian organizations such as NAAAP (National Association of Asian American Professionals).
4) You might want to check out Home Depot as well, honestly, you'll be surprised! (Remember get out of your comfort zone.)

Until next time

Warmest Regards to you all,
Interpersonal Relations Coach for Asians
Vincent K.C. Ng
E-mail: Vincentkcng@shaw.ca

What to do if Valentine's Day Didn't Work Out

2007-02-18T11:32:00.000-08:00

Now that Valentine's Day has passed, and maybe you were one of the few and fortunate ones that were able to find someone to go on a date with you. Then again, maybe you were like many other singles who were not able to find that particular connection that they were looking for. I'm here to assure you that either way is fine. Don't give yourself pressure to go on a date or pressure for being single. Each has its own advantages, not that I'm going to list them here. But I wanted to help out the single guys who weren't able to find a date on Valentine's and were still interested in knowing some ways that would help them find a date, this can be especially hard for Asians. Especially since many Asian Canadians can become cliquish at events and social gatherings.

Pressure 1: I'm a single male, I want to approach girls/women, but i'm way too shy.

Solution: If you are shy in approaching girls or women, it is your self esteem and self confidence that you NEED to work on. Yes there are some shy guys that do get the girl, BUT it is the guys that usually have total confidence in who they are that have a variety of women to date and are not afraid to ask. Now, like most clients I deal with, you might be asking, well how do I raise my self confidence? First off really love the person you are. It sounds kind of mushy, but honestly do you even appreciate yourself? If you don't, you're giving off that "I don't like myself" vibe. That's why people like Nelson Mandela, and Mother Theresa naturally attracted all sorts of people in their life, they had pure love of life and love in themselves, and they had thousands of people flock to them to get to know them.

Let me ask you this, do you really want a girl who's needy and needs your constant approval and runs away every time there's a challenge in the relationship? Probably not. If you are going to be shy, that is the type of girl you are going to attract. Confident girls rarely stay with unconfident guys, unconfident guys are guys that reject themselves before any girl can. It's a turn off. So appreciate yourself, make a list of things that you believe make you irresitible, is it your smile, the way you make girls laugh, are you a good friend, are you fantastic at distinguishing wines?

But confidence is built up through action, I would suggest that if you are shy, but are brave enough to meet girls but don't want to do it at clubs, bars, or very public places it may be good idea to go to a speed dating event. Speed dating forces you to meet women face to face and talk to them. It's also important that when you go into these events that you are being genuine, too many people go in as an "actor." Throw that out the door. For example www.letthesparksfly.com specializes in speed dating for Asians in the Vancouver area in Canada. If you happen to live in New York or some other cities, I would recommend www.click2asia.com for their speed dating events. The sites are geared toward Asian North Americans.

So you might know this stuff already....here's the truth, you only know what you experience! So until you experience self love and self confidence...don't tell yourself you know it, you're just lying to yourself.

Pressure 2: I want to approach a group of girls at a party, WHAT DO I DO?

Solution: When you are at a party it might be good to bring someone with you to approach a group of girls. If you stand near a group of girls and they don't talk to you within 30 seconds it's best to leave. They most likely don't want to talk to you. If you stand in and listen in on the conversation and one of them invites you in, that's a good sign.
However, it's ultimately up to you to intrude on the conversation if you feel appropriate. I have done this many times at networking events, and if the girls or women are open minded and friendly then they don't mind you interupting the conversation to introduce yourself. When you do, apologize for the disturbance and ask them what they were talking about and to let them continue the conversation and put your two cents in. Again if they seem unfriendly, it may not be best to talk to them, at that time it's best to move on to a more friendly group.
If you are able to break in to the group, ensure that you go in with a curious mind. Yes you may have a target of who you want to ask on a date, but be curious with the whole group. Ask all the girls questions and find out a little something from them all. Girls notice when you are a confident gentleman with their friends. Especially if you decide to ask the girl out that you want, and you treated all her friends equally well, then they will more likely vouch for you as a good guy if the girl is slightly hesitant.

Pressure 3: I want to meet new girls I just don't have any idea where.

Solution: First off, you have to stop thinking you have no idea where. That's the trouble to begin with, you've limited your thinking and therefore are not spending time on the actual solution of finding out where. There are so many places to meet a variety of girls and women, and it's up to you decide where. For example...there's www.meetup.com where you can meet a variety of people with different interests in your city. Ask yourself, are you just being comfortable with where you are, and you're just too scared to try new things? The moment that I decided that I wanted to meet a new social circle, I was able to meet a variety of women, rather easily in three months time. For example maybe you never considered snowshoeing or hiking as a way of meeting new people. Then try them out. If you're always going to the same Asian night club, and hang out at the same university clubs day in and day out, you're going to meet the same type of people. Challenge yourself to get out of your routine. Join a professinal or social club that's in your city. These organizations usually have hundreds of members you can meet, and even if you don't like the members, they may have friends that they can introduce you to.
When you do go out and do different things that are outside of your normal routine, that's when you'll find girls with different personalities than the ones you usually associate with that don't interest you.
For example, something that I did to get singles to meet each other, was to throw an actual party on Valentine's where different singles had the opportunity to meet each other. New singles potentially means new opportunties, so grab the bull by the horns and throw a party. And some people went on a date, while others made new friends and contacts. The ones that attend these parties are usually open minded (unless their friend dragged them to go) and usually have better personality charactersitics than those that are afraid.
But get your ass in gear, and do something outside of your box!

Until next time I wish you all the best.

Vincent K.C. Ng
Interpersonal Relations Coach for Asians
Ph:604-662-8177
E-mail: vincentkcng@shaw.ca

Banana Living

2007-02-14T02:08:00.000-08:00

For those of you who follow what happens in the Asian Canadian community will know that there was a magazine launched a few years ago called Banana Mag. The magazine folded, but recently they've revamped themselves and are now known as Banana Living.

They are currently in production for their magazine and are in the works of the TV Show. If you are interested in Asian Canadian and Asian American matters, this would be a good site to check out. They have a diversity of topics and something for every Asian. It's even given me ideas on some of the serious issues that I may potentially come across as Relationship Coach for Asians.

First off their website it's... www.bananaliving.com

What makes Banana Living on the cutting edge of Asian culture is that it addresses some very serious issues such as gay and lesbian relationships in the Asian community. Often a silenced topic, gay pride is not something that is generally celebrated. This is mostly due to the masculine culture that Asians have produced for themselves and the emminent danger that "coming out" poses to an Asian.

I often, as a Relationship Coach for Asians, have wondered how I would approach my friends and family if I were gay. I've studied sexual relationships as part of my degree in sociology, and as a matter of fact sexuality was my specialty during undergraduate. In one my papers I discussed members of fraternities that were gay, and a unique gay fraternity in the U.S. and how these people came out and lived their lifestyle. I can imagine it's rather hard for any gay person to come out, but it's probably ten times as hard for someone who is of Asian background. First off, no matter what people say, culture does play a big difference in how we live our lives. While there's a larger white gay culture in Vancouver, there isn't much for Asians, which makes it hard to form a support group when there aren't many to begin with.

Back to myself, I've had many debates about "gayness" with my father. We see it from a very different standpoint, while my dad and I talk about it civily, he mentions how much he hates seeing two guys kiss and hug. Now, I'm not going to deny, it does make me uncomfortable, but I've come to accept that it's part of Vancouver. Here's what would be the procedure for me if I had to tell my parents I were gay. First off, they would be the last to know, I would end up telling my best female friends first, my brother second, my cousins third, my best male friends after that and then my parents. Honestly I would tell my step mom first, but she tends to tell my dad everything even when I tell her to keep it a secret.

Why in that order? Females tend to be more understanding of the situation, and are more likely to understand what it's like to be a struggling visible minority. Contrary to what many men may think, there will always be issues about Asian women that Asian men will never get. I have yet to experience PMS nor would I want to experience it on monthly basis.
Then, my brother would know next, because he's not homophobic but most likely would call me a fag as a joke. My cousins because they come from a newer generation where they realize that being gay is part of the reality and not a disease. My dad, though he wouldn't disown me, would probably be very upset to say the least. I don't think he's homophobic to the point he would say he didn't love me any more, but would definitely take time to adjust.

On top of that being gay would mean that I would be dealing with rice queens (white gay men infatuted with asian men, it's the gay form of Yellow fever) yet I would probably still be comfortable dating a gay male man.

Lastly, being an gay in the Asian community automatically sets you apart from the rest. You become labelled and easily become that for the rest of a person's life. Oh there goes the GAY asian actor, or there goes the LESBIAN accountant, or there goes the GAY doctor.
I've done this myself, I've labelled people gay before anything else. However, I've never labelled some one straight when I see them. I don't go there's my STRAIGHT brother or there's my STRAIGHT lawyer. So you can imagine how much harder it is when all of a sudden a label is being attached to you on a very unconcious level.

What's the point of all this? If you've ever experienced racism, (I've been told to speak English when I was clearly speaking English, that was such a weird experience) then you've only felt a sting of it, you know other Asians can relate to you and share their stories. If you're an Asian gay male, or a lesbian, it's going to be hard to find a sense of comfort in the Asian community, why...because let's face it...we judge, and we're ignorant. And it's important that we don't judge and be ignorant. Have compassion for gay Asians and lesbians, they've had it tough as it is. The last thing they need is a dose of racism times three.

So go visit my friends at Banana Living www.bananaliving.com

I've also started a relationship column at www.luvhat.com so please go feel free to read the advice.

Vincent K.C. Ng
Relationship Coaching for Asians
Ph:604-662-8177
E-mail: vincentkcng@shaw.ca

Traditional Asian Female Relationships

2007-02-04T01:09:00.000-08:00

Marriage and Relationships for Asian Canadian Women or American Asian Women . That's the topic that I'm writing about today. It's a huge thing, and there are concerns that need to be addressed. The intergenerational gap and the types of marriages and realtionsships have changed over time. Especially if you're a first generation.

I'm going to talk about the pressures of marriage and expectations in realtionships as in pertains to Asian culture.

Pressure 1: Expected to be Superwoman once you are married. Asian women nowadays have tremendous pressure to be good at everything they do. They are expected to meet the perfect husband, be well educated, have a very good job, look good, raise the perfect kids, and still be doing their domestic duties, all within 24 hours.

Solution: It's important to stay calm. And realize that it's okay to fail once in a while. It's okay if you can't be the perfect spouse one day. It's okay if you weren't able to find the good job you had always wanted. It's okay if you aren't everything that you are expected to be. You have to recognize that everybody has their own individual limits. And yours is different from the next person. While some Asian women can do it all, some can't. Why was Winston Churchill able to sleep only four hours a day, while I need a good 8 hours of sleep to be fully awake and alert? Does that make me any less of a person. No of course not, and you shouldn't feel that way either.
Take the time to prioritize what's most important to you. Is your marriage important, then your kids, and then you career? Focus on what's most important to YOU. Finding a way to balance out your life takes time. What's most important is that you always take time for yourself when your trying to strive to Superwoman. Take good care of yourself first and foremost. Eat healthy, take relaxation time for yourself, exercise, and breathe! When you take better care of yourself you will have the energy to take care of the other things in your life. Be selfish and focus on yourself once in a while. You don't want to become resentful at the end of the day because you had no "alone and recovery" time for yourself.

Pressure 2:
The pressure to be married soon, especially when your mom or aunts keep reminding you.

Solution: Marriage is a serious committment. My belief is that it should never be rushed just for the sake of it or because someone is telling you that you are getting too old, and that no man will want you. It's important you take the time to ask why you are marrying someone, or if you are marrying someone too soon. Letting other people dictate your lives is no way to live. If you don't want to get married, because you haven't found the right man yet, or feel that you are getting married for the sake of getting married, then don't. While your aunts and mothers may be well intentioned, let them know how much you appreciate what they are trying to get at, but let them know that a marriage is meant to be a life bonding experience. Rushing into it, can have some serious consquences, not just for you, but for the whole family. REMIND THEM that the decision affects them too. (I've heard and seen abusive husbands that affect the wife, and the wife's family negatively.) Take the time to find someone that is right for you and realize taking another two years or however long you need of your life to find the right person, is going to save you more than half a life time of heart ache and headaches.

Pressure #3:
Pressured to be married when you don't want to, but parents keep asking you too.

Solution:
I get this more often now than I use to especially among millenials. I'm meeting many Asian women who don't want to get married. Now this may be a committment issue, but there is a new reality. Some women don't want to commit to marriage. And that's fine. Your parents may not understand, they may want to have grand children, and you're not going to give it to them. This can be exhausting going back and forth and arguing about it. First off it's best to accept that it's not personal. Your mom has a way of doing things, and you have a way of doing things. Ultimately, again you decide if you should get married or not. Take the time to think about what marriage actually means to you, or what prevents you from being married, (it's best to look at both sides of the coin) and what marriage means to your parents. Simply put don't get married if you don't want to, but ensure you find out what you want. Do you want to have a boyfriend to spend his life with you, but no children? Do you want to have a life partner with kids, but don't want to legally be married? Is it your intention to be single your whole life? Down deep inside do you feel that it is is a commitment issue that needs to be addressed? Ulttimately it's about your happiness, but it's important to ask yourself if twenty years down the road, if this is the right decision to make.

Pressure#4: I'm dating someone who's not my ethnic group, as a matter of fact he's not even Asian. How do I tell my parents?

Solution: If you're fortunate enough, your parents understand that inter racial dating happens. However there are those parents that believe that people should only have relationships within their own race. What if you are dating someone outside of your race? This is a tricky subject, but it really comes down to understanding what it is the parents may be worried about. Do they feel that traditions would be lost, are they worried they won't be able to communicate with your boyfriend, what is it that they are scared of? Take the time to address these concerns, even when they don't fully understand, it's important that you address them in a calm manner. Don't let your parents get you into an emotional fist fight, that's not what's needed. It's important to know that you've tried to understand them, and address the issues as much as possible. Once you've done your best, you've done your best, and that's all you can ask of yourself.
If you aren't ready to tell them, then don't. However if you feel that it knaws away at you weekly or even daily, then it's taking too much of your mental space and energy, and it's probably best to tell them because either way, your going to bug yourself about it or your parents are going to bug you, so it's a losing situation. Here's the thing, there is NOTHING wrong with dating someone outside your race. There is no reason why you should feel guilty about it, and as harsh as it may seem, your parents are the ones that will have to face the new reality, and GET OVER IT! But just to let you know, in time most Asian parents do "give in" and accept that that is the lifestyle that their children have taken.

Pressure #5: He doesn't have a good job (lawyer, doctor, engineer...so on) or a lot of money, and my mom keeps hammering away on how I should meet someone who does.

Solution: It's important not to let your parents dictate what you should or should not have in your life. Most moms will tell you the above because they want their daughters to feel secure in any long term relationship or marriage. I'm not going to dismiss that it's important to find someone who has money and a good job, but I would add to the fact that it's important to find someone with compatible values. Compatible values, are by far the most important thing to look for in any relationship. After all, money and a good job are external things, but if he happens to treat you with little respect, then all the money in the world won't matter. If you've found someone who means a lot more to you than those two things, take the time to explain to your mother, or father, about what kind of values he has. If he's ambitious, creative and determined, he may not have the money and job right away, but most likely he will in the future. I believe it's more important to look for emotional trust. As long as some money is there, and a decent job, the relationship will survive and do well in the long term.

Until next time,
Live as Much as You Dream

Vincent K.C. Ng
Ph:604-662-8177
E-mail: vincentkcng@shaw.ca
Asian Adult Child Relations Coach
Knowledge Within Coaching

Asian Adult Children

2007-01-26T17:16:00.000-08:00

I wanted to talk about some of the major issues I faced being and Chinese child of two immigrant parents from Hong Kong. I wanted to talk about one of the biggest concerns that have stood out for me since I was a teenager and to my late twenties.

The first major challenge I had with my parents was, as well as many Asian Adult Children faced and are continuing to face is

1) Having their parents dictate what to study, which school to go to, or which occupation is a good occupation.

When I was going through my first year at the University of British Columbia, I spent my first year in the faculty of forestry. This was , of course, not something that my father was very supportive of. He would ask me what I would do with my degree, (many first years at any university or college have little understanding of what they will do with their degree), and told me the negatives about living in the interior and the job market that was available to forestry students. When I transferred out, I decided that I wanted to do a double major in math and sociology and become a teacher. Now in his eyes, and my mother's, this was a respectable job, it was one that could make decent amount of money and change the world. But my dad, when he was drunk, would always criticize on how could I ever become a good teacher if I couldn't do this and that right, not to mention that he remind me that the money was not that great to start. Like with any job, parents always hope that the money will come pouring in right away.

It can be extremely hard to live with parents who are not supportive of you when you are in the exploration phase of your life. After all, it's hard enough trying to find a passion, and a mission in life, but to have people who love you remind you of that every other week, can be very hard on the adult child's soul. People need time to explore, we weren't born with a stamp on our head saying this is our passion and these are the jobs and careers that you will enjoy.

The main conflict comes into place when a student who has done what his or her parents has said, and finds that particular academic or work lifestyle extremely dissatisfying. For example being pressured to be an accountant, a doctor, an engineer, or lawyer, when you clearly don't want to be one can be very hard on the relationship with your parents. A child entering university or college puts a lot of trust and faith in their parents' guidance, when that guidance "fails" a break down in the relationship can occur, and resentment may shortly follow.

I find that many Asian adults put a lot of emphasis in their university years, and by following what their parents wanted instead of their own, they feel that they wasted four or five good years of their life when they enter a job and realize how much they really hate it after six months on that job.

They continue their job after six months because of the justification of spending four years at school, for that particular field or career. The unhappiness grows, and sometimes it links back to parents who, even out of best intentions, could not guide the young adult child into a life that he or she really wanted.

I've also ran into several adult children that tell me that it was important to their parents which school they went to. For example in the Greater Vancouver Region it is often perceived by Asian parents that the University of British Columbia is a better quality university compared to Simon Fraser University. However if asked why, most people would spout reputation without understanding what "reputation" means. This can severely limit the options that young adult children have. For example many specialized programs such as criminology are offered at Simon Fraser, and University of British Columbia has a medical school, while British Columbia Institute of Technology has broadcasting and communications. While many Asian parents will encourage their children to go to school based on status and reputation, this should be avoided, and the child's interest and curiosity should have precedence over status and reputation. This is not just about universities, but can be for large corporations as well, jobs at Microsoft versus a job for a small start up, or a large accounting firm versus being an independent accountant. While most Asian parents may suggest working for the bigger firms because it gets your foot in the door, and is more prestigious, it may, again, not reflect what the adult child wants.

What are the potential solutions if you're an adult child facing pressure from your parents to be in a certain school or certain job:

1) You need to take a serious look at your life and ask if what you want and your parents want are really the same thing. If your instincts tell you that they aren't, and you ignore it, you will head into dangerous emotional territory during your school years and after you graduate. I have seen and heard of it time and time again. DO NOT IGNORE YOUR INSTINCTS.

2) Imagine your life 20 years from now, is that really what you want to remember yourself for doing? Do you really want to be what your parents suggested? Do you feel like it's the kind of job or career that can sustain your happiness or do you see yourself just working thre for money, but always struggling with finding happiness at the job?

3)Voice your opinion of what you want to your parents. Your parents may not even know what you want, they may have never asked, it is your responsibility as an adult to make it clear to them what you want and hope for in life (if you're not sure what you want I would suggest you hire a life coach, preferably one that has an Asian Cultural background that can relate to the situation more personally) . No one gets any where in life by being passive, take charge and stand up for yourself even if it is a little hard.

4) Find a support group that will help you move further into what you want for your future. Having a second family that can help you accomplish what you want is beyond helpful. If your constantly being bombarded with negative messages about your career choice or choice of study, then find people who will be supportive in what you are trying to accomplish. Sometimes the only way you will know is by doing, not by someone telling you you shouldn't or can't.

5) Try to understand where your parents are coming from. This is a big deal, your parents may have some issues that they faced that they don't want you to face. Understanding where they are coming from and why they want you to do certain things will make them more human to you. After all we all have concerns. Don't judge what they have to say, just listen and you may appreciate the message they are trying to convey, which is simply this. They love you and they want the best for you, and they are doing it the best way the know how.

Until next time, Live as Much as You Dream.

Vincent K.C. Ng
Knowledge Within Coaching
Adult Child Relations Coach
Ph:604-662-8177
E-mail: Vincentkcng@shaw.ca

Adult Children Connecting with Parents

2007-01-03T19:21:00.000-08:00

Type in Adult Children in google and you'll find that the first two topics that come out are adult children of alcoholics and adult children of divorce. The two major concerns of adult children. Several books have been written about those particular topics. As a person with a background in sociology and life coaching, I have realized that though there are approximately 34 million children of alcoholics there are many issues that adult children face. However, there are so many other issues that adult children face on a daily basis.

One of the areas that I am coaching in is Adult Child Relations with their parents. I have been introducing the concept of "Parenting Up" for the last month to people. I tell them it is about adult children who have grown up who wish to take the initiative of connecting with their parents in an emotional, open and honest manner. While hundred of books have been written on parenting, I was able to find zero books on reverse parenting. I have talked to dozens of people who want to know how to connect with their parents better, who want to be able to forgive their parents, who want to understand why their parents are the way they are, or how to cope with complicated family systems such as divorces or gay marriages. This is reality.

What makes this topic largely ignored? I'm not too sure, it almost seemed to obvious to me.
Here are the main concerns that I've heard from adult children in their 20's and 30's in no particular order:

1) I'm always doing what my parents tell me to do, why can't I just do what I want to do, and they can be happy for me.

2)I'm always the one that has to emotionally support my parents, it's starting to really drain me.

3)I'm the financial breadwinner in my family, without me they wouldn't survive, and it's putting a lot of pressure on me.

4) I want to forgive my parents for the hurt they've caused me, but I don't feel like I can.

5) Living with my parents is a nightmare, we can never agree on them to treat me like an adult.

6) I wan to spend more time with my parents, but work is tiring and I just can't go see them as much any more, I have too many commitments.

7) I'm tired of dealing with my dad's (or mom's) alcoholism (drug addiction, work addiction, depression, etc.).

8) I'm having a rough time dealing with two sets of parents, honestly it's killing me my seperated parents don't get along and I'm stuck in the middle.

9) My parents don't approve of whom I'm dating or marrying, why can't they just be happy for me?

10) My parents are never interested in what I have to say, they always think they know best.

All these concerns are real. Let's face it, it's there, it's happening and as an adult child myself, I've experienced each and every one of those scenarios in some form or manner. I knew that my parents weren't going to change much. Especially since I knew they were pretty much the same people the day that biological mom and dad divorced. I knew they weren't going to change to be the parents I wanted them to be, but at the same time I wanted to be able to develop better family relationships with all my parents, so in the case that all of them passed away, I would not have the weight of regret on my shoulders for not making a better effort to enjoy the company of all my family. Let's face it, when your parents are gone, and you KNEW with absolute certainty that you could have done more but didn't, it's going to eat away at you for your life. Do you want to hold that sense of regret on your death bed?

The melodramatic aside, I hope to bring in a new era in family management. Looking at how adult children can help improve relationships. Let's be honest, many of us will develop better intepersonal and family skills than our parents have, and that's when the parenting up takes place. All of sudden you have the skills to parent your dad and your mom. This is similar to certain employees that are all of sudden in charge of the previous manager. It happens. Children develop better parenting skills than their own parents, those skills should be used to ensure a family structure that is as healthy as possible.
Now some people ask what's the point of doing that isn't it the parent's job? I tell people the same thing over and over again, if you can learn to parent your own parents, and are able to connect with them and who they are, you will be able to be a lot better at being a parent yourself. Think about this, if you have or are planning to have children, your children are most likely to argue back about different point of views, be very stubborn about certain points of views, and act in ways that you don't believe makes them the best son or daughter. Oddly enough, it's the same with your parents, but if you can get along with your parents....then you will get along with your kids much much easier.

As the weeks go on, I'll be talking more about the concerns...and addressing potential solutions.

I wish you all the best for 2007

Vincent K.C. Ng
Adult Child Relations Coach
Knowledge Within Coaching
Ph: 604-662-8177
"Live as Much as You Dream"